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11 O'Clock Thoughts

Updated: Dec 18, 2021

Good evening...night? I'm writing this at 11:15 at night on November 17, 2021.

I wanted to remind you that you deserve all of the things that you dream of. Yes. You. Do. You are valued and important and on this earth. You are a human that is deserving of everything.

If you're anything like me you might know you do and you might even say it. But I want you to take a minute and write down what comes to your head when you say this. I want you to tell me if you have any doubts deep down inside.

Well, I do, and very close to saying I did. I would say that I did, but I realize deep down in my soul I didn't believe it. Based on events that happened in my life I thought I wasn't worthy of happiness. If I had happiness and the things that I know I deserve, how long would it take for the ball to drop? How long would it take before these things were taken away?

Well, guess what Amarilys. You are not in that same life you were in years ago. You have made well for yourself moving to a new city on your own. You've worked hard to be able to stay here. You have been working hard on improving yourself. You deserve it. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

My therapist told me to give myself some grace. This was after I told her all of the good things I have been doing and how I've been improving since the last week. After that, I told her that I felt like I wanted to run away to a new city and have this massive positive change. She reminded me that I shouldn't be so critical of myself. That I am doing the work and I am showing that I am moving my life in a positive direction.

How wonderful that was to hear. Give myself grace. I deserve all the good things in my life and I have great things going on in my life currently.

This reminded me that I deserve many things in my life. Things that I just never allowed myself to have. I thought these things were for perfect people. Healed people. But guess what? You deserve these things always. No matter what stage you are at in your healing journey.

Here are some things that I gave myself that I would not have thought of before my healing journey:

-Putting away my summer clothes and just seeing my winter clothes in my closet.

For someone who loves organization, I don't know why I've never done this. Maybe I thought that was for people who had a lot of clothes. This actually made so much sense because now I can see what I have in my closet. I can get ready quicker in the morning. I can also see what I need to add to my wardrobe.

-A night routine. What? I knew this was good for me. But guess what? Falling asleep in my makeup and not brushing my teeth some days made me feel like I deserved the pity party I kept giving myself. It gave me more of a reason to be ashamed. I deserve glowing skin and white teeth. Even more, I love the feeling of a candle and the lights dimmed before I go to sleep. I never knew that something so simple as this could make me feel so calm.

-Enough time to get ready in the morning. When my identity was anxiety and depression living in a hectic state was normal. Why would I give myself enough time to get ready in the morning and catch the train on time for work? That was for people whose lives were put together. Well damn, we all know the power of a good outfit can do for your ego and confidence. It literally changes my perspective for the day.

-Mantra playlist. This tip is thanks to my best friend since middle school. Yes, we all know meditation and affirmations. But we all know the power of music. This playlist takes mantras and puts its catchy tunes and when I tell you they have changed my life the past two days I am speaking from my heart. I have one of the songs constantly playing in my head and it reminds me to stay in my power. I'll try and link the playlist.

-Making my own decisions. I don't know how many moons have gone by where I was waiting for someone to save me. Some days I am still on this mindset, but I am still in the early stages of my healing journey. I waited for someone to save me so I didn't have to do the work. I waited for someone to save me because I wanted to feel cared for. The little girl in me wanted my father to scoop me up and heal the wound he left in my heart many years ago. The teenager in me wanted my ex to heal the wounds he left in my heart when he left me. But I am me now. I am 29 years old with a whole heart. I do not need fixing. I do not need saving. I am in charge of my life. In the most loving way possible, at the end of the day, you have you. You need to be happy with the choices you make for yourself. You need to love the decisions you make. They will take you in many directions. You will learn from all of them and make even better choices the next time.

-Hobbies. Wow. This is linked with the feeling of I deserve happiness and the knowing of making my own decisions. In the past, I didn't have energy or money to put towards hobbies. Who has hobbies? Doesn't everyone just sit in the house and watch Netflix all day and keep their house spotless even though no one comes over? I grew up in a Hispanic household and the women in the family cooked, cleaned, and stayed home. I never saw my grandmother or my mother have hobbies or friends. The family was everything. And yes in many ways family is everything. Having hobbies is what makes life fun and whimsical. It brings you more things to talk about with your family and friends. It allows you to meet new people. It allows you to have passions. This will be one of my new year's resolutions. Be bold and try new hobbies. I can't wait to see what sticks. I am curious to see if there is something I never thought I would like, but once I tried it I couldn't wait till the next time I got to do it again.

As I continue with my healing journey and doing acts of self-love I remember that I am deserving of a beautiful life. I am divine. I am a part of the universe and mother earth. I deserve happiness and joy.

Tell me something you discovered you deserve on your healing journey.

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